a lot of things happened this year.

i quit the job i had for the past three years and eight months, then spent the first two months of 2008 unemployed. i was lucky to have enough to live on and still pay my bills on time, but towards the second month i began to get nervous. i liked the idea of a job and a steady paycheck, but i wasn’t looking forward to having a job, doing a job, and keeping a job: i was burnt out after seven years working in unhealthy, highly stressful environments, and there wasn’t much lure to a new job as much as there was a need to pay my damn bills.

so when i finally did find a job i was relieved. then it turned out the job was all wrong for me. i dreaded going to work. there were days when i spent the entire day staring at my computer with nothing to do, then suddenly being given work that needed to be completed before the night was over. it was the same kind of work environment that i stuck myself in for the last seven years–no way to start a new job. i didn’t want to go to work hating it before i got there, and here i was, already feeling defeated while my feet dragged themselves up the elevator and to my desk for yet another day. it’s not a good sign when all you do is look forward to the weekends. so i left, and began all over again.

by the grace of god, i was able to find a new job quickly. it didn’t pay as much, it was significantly smaller in size than any of the workplaces i’ve been, but my duties there were clear. i took it–again, i didn’t have much of a choice since my bills were looming large and heavy above me–and for the first few months, i couldn’t enjoy it. i was coming in and working hours that were reasonable (10 a.m. to 6 p.m., and my boss wasn’t a stickler for lateness, either), and the work was interesting and monotonous enough that i could easily leave it at work where it belonged, and not worry about it outside of work. and if i had overtime, i was paid for it. what more could you ask for in a job? why did i feel like i just didn’t want to be anywhere but in my bed, under covers, sleeping the days and nights away?

i was burnt out. i was so tired of being pulled in ten different directions, aside from the five that i pulled myself into, and i just didn’t want to deal with anyone. it wasn’t until early fall that i began to come out of the rut, and really truly appreciate the stress levels i currently experience, which isn’t non-existent, just strangely low-level after so many years of being a plodding worker bee.

and i was able to complete nanowrimo this year, too, and experienced a really steady writing streak that i hope to continue with this cute thing, courtesy of bff. it was the most organized i’d ever been, although that isn’t saying much: my organization consisted largely of taking notes about characters so i wouldn’t forget, and avoiding any pre-writing about characters (a mistake i made during last year’s unsuccessful nano attempt). it also helped that i could leave work regularly, and actually pay attention to other things in my life that i wanted to do, rather than just spending 12 hours at my work desk, then an additional four hours commuting, and the last few hours eating, sleeping, and maintaining life as i knew it.

i was drawing and painting more, even if only in sketchbooks, and improving bit by small bit. i wasn’t sleeping many more hours, but i slept better.

i also learned that i’m not a very good freelancer. at the end of the day, all i want to do is sit in a chair and relax, either with a good book or a good anime. it’s nice to have extra work, but it’s rough after 11 hours working at a day job and commuting.

i’ve paid down a significant amount of my debt this year. i moved so that i could save money and put it towards decreasing my debt, but having more money at hand just increased my spending. and while i’m not quite back at square one on that, at least i’m more focused on being debt-free in a few years. yes, years. i have that much debt.

i am learning to accept, with calm, all of the wrong decisions i’ve made. i can’t be perfect, nor can i be close to it, but i can at least be a little bit more forgiving of myself. everyone else can criticize and demean you in ways big and small, blunt and sly, but at the end of the day it’s you and the face in the mirror.

and that’s why, for the new year, i’m making only one resolution: to be optimistic. there is new hope in the world without, and there should be new hope in the world within.

happy new year to you and yours. may you look back and review your lessons, and turn forward and face a brighter future.