kissy smooth

i read this article on cnn.com today. it made me think about the past ten years of my working life, which, though invaluable in gaining experience and education, was too far from ideal to be considered remotely healthy. for ten years i was constantly stressed, pressured, pushed, and prodded in ways that, as a young woman just embarking on a career, i took as part and parcel of the world of work. i had to take it, i had to show up, and stay, and stay late, and provide service if ever i was going to 1) get that raise, 2) be recognized, 3) possibly get a bonus, 4) possibly get a promotion.

i was never happy at work.

it was always with a deep sense of dread that i walked into the office, my stomach pulsing with anxiety, my teeth grinding against each other, my whole body tense in anticipation of the mess i was sure to expect in my emails that morning.

i bitched and moaned, but i did it anyway, because i was, if nothing else, a good, hard worker — the product of generations of imported pinoys who were educated, spoke fluent english, and learned quickly. and i did learn, i learned a lot from these jobs that i held for one year, two years, three. i learned how to do my job better, how to deal with people better, how to get around difficult personalities without bruising anybody’s ego and myself escape with just a few scratches.

i learned how to smell bullshit from afar.

and i learned that the promotion, the raise, the bonus, the recognition — all of them were part of the bullshit. none of those things could ever manage to disguise problems inherent in any company, whatever they are: bad managers, convoluted processes, complete misunderstanding of the company’s core values, etc. they couldn’t make up for low morale, long hours, and endless effort wasted in paltry profit.

maybe it was the fact that i never looked at my job as my work.

it was always, to me, just a day job. i wanted to work and earn my keep, but just enough to live comfortably and have time to pursue what i considered to be my real work, the kind of work that didn’t bring in money but made me deliriously happy and calm and able to face the stress. i valued my time off and away from work — it was what i looked forward to every day. i still value it, more than ever before, and i’m tired of feeling i have to say yes to everything, and feel guilty when i don’t. i don’t know when enough is enough for me to earn my keep and keep the livelihood. is it by staying later than usual? is it by offering to work from home after-hours? is it by working on weekends?

how much more of myself do i need to give for a day job i don’t love, but don’t necessarily hate?

i can say no and have my life, can’t i? is that allowed? should i allow myself to value the things that make me happy, even if it means passing up a raise, a bonus, a promotion, a bit of recognition for work well done?