kissy smooth

the world, in three parts, each designed to make my mango ass twitch and my petrifying brain implode. it is the universe dangling the puppet strings that i don’t see, the master manipulator gleefully tugging at the small things that should make me happy just so it can make me not.

part 1: the stupid assmonkey phone
the LG enV. not much to really envy, but it was a good little phone…up until a month ago when it decided to just randomly shut itself off. okay, that’s fine, maybe it’s me overcharging the battery. but, apparently, it is not just me, but is, in fact, the stupid fucking phone. can i get it replaced? why, no, how could i when the phone is out of warranty and the insurance is all but a scam that charges you $4/month (plus you have to pay an extra fucking $50 to get anything fixed — and just what the fuck was the monthly charge for? the privilege of you sucking my fucking blood?).

i can’t get a new phone until june 10. it’s the end of march. two months with a phone that shuts off when it feels like it, whether it’s in my bag or on my ear. two months of missing important phone calls and messages, all because it’s out of warranty. great.

tell me again why warranties differ in duration than your actual motherfucking contract?

but again, this is verizon. why is reason required?

and lg. again, reason? i search for thee, yet thou art far.

luckily, i have two older phones still in possession and in somewhat — i hope — decent working condition. one was out of the question: the motorola razr is a piece of shit, and i refuse to buy another piece of shit from motorola. i had one of their pagers back in the dinosaur age, and it was shit. i had one of the early brick cell phones that was shaped like a trapezoid, and it was shit. and the razr? the worst shit of them all. so, no motorola for me, ever. i keep hoping and i keep getting disappointed.

so it was the nokia. small and efficient, it worked beautifully before the bells and whistles of the shit motorola lured me away. so i turn off the shit lg, and dial in to customer service on the nokia.

“do you have both phones off and in front of you?” asks the very nice man from verizon.

…”uh, no. i’m on the old phone.”

“maybe you can use a landline? i can’t transfer your information unless both phones are off.”

well. isn’t that fortunate? i haven’t had a fucking land line in ten motherfucking years, and now i suddenly need one. “i’ll take it to the service center — would they be able to transfer it then?”

“yes, ma’am.”

“thank you.”

push button, seethe.